Confession: this blog stuff is not as easy as it seems! Sometimes thinking about what to write wears me out. I want it to be perfect for you, so you can find the humor or the sadness or even the joy I feel while I’m writing to you. I worry several times during the process of deciding what to write. I tend to over think things… A LOT!!! I analyze almost every move I make in my life, and I try to think of the ‘What ifs’ because that’s one way I was raised. I decided to write this hoping some of you could relate to this over active brain stuff and to help us all know we are not alone in this!
When I was a kid, I would get in trouble because of things I would say or things I would do – not thinking about the outcomes or how it affected anyone else around me – as most kids do. I’m not saying I had the worst childhood, but mine sure as hell wasn’t roses and butterflies. Since I work with some of the youth in my town on a daily basis, I know for a fact that my growing up would be golden to some of them. Some of their stories tear me apart and make me just want to hug these kids. Some never really had a good adult in their lives.
I had my own issues. I learned to worry when I was young, and then I became a teenager and thought ‘screw it’ and didn’t care about anything or the consequences. I think that’s normal for that age (this is where you nod at the screen and just tell me it’s normal). Now I am in my 30’s (sshhhh, don’t tell anyone!) and I worry all the time. I worry about being places on time, which is at least 10 minutes early, because I could run into traffic or get stuck behind a tractor or a damn combine thing!!! Those things go so super slow – ugh!!! The combines around here, though, remind me of the aliens in the movie War of the Worlds (the one with Tom Cruise); especially when they shoot the corn husks out their ass end!! If you have no idea what I’m talking about, you should google it!
Anyway, I dwell on things and run scenarios through in my head. But what gets me confused; if I have to make a split second decision, I make one, and those usually work out! Maybe it’s because I’m always watching my surroundings. Watching cars as they drive by. Watching people in the grocery store (not in a creepy way!), and yes, I make eye contact when they walk by. I don’t hide. Maybe this is the assertive part of my introvert? I don’t know. But it is exhausting – being constantly alert. Sometimes when it’s really bad, I can feel my chest hurting and my pulse speeding up. I know this isn’t healthy, but somethings I just can’t help it. And healthy is all relative, right? I work out and shit, so that has to count for something!
Being a perfectionist seriously doesn’t help this worry problem of mine! I have to do everything right and if I don’t, I see every single flaw in what I did – even if no one else does. I am, though, able to manage living everyday life. I guess that is the blessing in all this. I can tell my brain to shut up…most of the time. When I get overwhelmed, I do my best to make it to the gym. Even if I just run a mile or two, it makes me feel much SOOO better, and the sauna is always a big hit afterwards (can you say “ALONE TIME”)!
So, I guess I’m “normal”…? Even though, no one can really define normal. I am probably not “normal” since I don’t fit into the mold that society says I should. And, really, I’m totally fine with that! I’m a mom, a wife, and a career woman – what more do I need? …Maybe a girl’s night with some wine every once in a while, but other than that I’ve got my kids, my husband, and my critters all around!
So I guess, I should say, “PISS OFF worry and doubt!” Thank you, Gordon Ramsey, I will give you props for making this a famous tag line! I’m glad you are there, worry not Gordon, as you keep me in check, but back off a bit – thanks so much in advance.